A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
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What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”![]()
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Mouse
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SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
some cats are just doing for fun!
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If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.