I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
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Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
three things we don’t talk about
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
A short story about romance.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic