You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
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Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.