Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
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Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.