“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
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Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS