murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
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*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
they finally got him. they got macavity
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.