*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
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Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster