What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
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I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Got ya covered
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
yeah not falling for this one
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts