nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
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[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”