Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
You Might Also Like
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.