9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
You Might Also Like
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
My what?
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you