Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
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An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.