Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
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In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Bike for sale
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.