long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
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What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Still cracks me up
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Pandas 🐼🖤
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”