Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
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Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
as is their right
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”