[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
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me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips