Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
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How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit