Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
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I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol