I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
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The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?