@OfficeLinebcker

A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.

Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?

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@WilliamAder

Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.

@InternetHippo

As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts

@EJGomez

judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever

jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam

judas: yo what the f

@Brianhopecomedy

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

Wife: “No.”

*takes pants off*

*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

@KeetPotato

accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”

@SortaBad

Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before

@Reverend_Scott

Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.

@JB4Realz

[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.

@tpurvis06

If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…