A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
You Might Also Like
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date