A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.

Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?

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Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.


As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts


judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever

jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam

judas: yo what the f


*takes selfie, sends to wife*

Wife: “No.”

*takes pants off*

*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*

*takes selfie, sends to wife*


accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”


Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before


Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.


[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.


If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…