‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
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ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
🙀🙀🙀😹
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days