‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
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Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks