“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
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Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
channeling her this year
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband