A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
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Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
#math
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.