What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
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I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter