My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
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I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.