If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
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#Caturday
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”