Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
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Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
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In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
pat pat
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
❤️🦆
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Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..