Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
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Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think