Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
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Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Poetry is my passion
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf