wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
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my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian