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My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”