My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
You Might Also Like
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
I am crying
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass