Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
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If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no