Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
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me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Meow?
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.