What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
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The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture