a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
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[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
🍛
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us