Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
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*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.