Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
You Might Also Like
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
why isn’t he texting back
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.