gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
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Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.