When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
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Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
In space, no one can hear…
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.