Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
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9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator