I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
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[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless