In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
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[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
This is a whole mood;
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.