[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
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4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Oh. My. God.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
That time Alicia messaged me
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.