That time Alicia messaged me
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Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games