hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
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So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
🤣🤣💀
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”