parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
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Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
WHO DID THIS?
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”