It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
This might be the funniest tweet ever
![]()
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
![]()
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son