It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
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I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit