@abhorrent_wife Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
@Phlegmingway It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
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@abhorrent_wife 
@AimeeHelene1 *brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
@AbbyHasIssues If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
@carlyken Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
@TheTweetOfGod When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
@ShawnIzadi I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
@LuvPug My boss called in sick of me
@TheBoydP If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
@ShipInTheKnight Funny women are smart. Be careful.
@online_shawn On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system