It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.

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Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.


*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*


If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.


Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?


When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.


I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.


If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?


On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system