It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
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[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.