Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.

If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.

Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch

Exec: oh boy here we go

Tim Burton: it’s a love story

Exec: go on

Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town

Exec: sounds pretty cute actually

Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands

Exec: there it is

Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.

My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.

911: hello this is 911

me: [panicky garbled mumbling]

911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth

me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?

Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!

WIFE: you probably need a shower

KID: why? how do I smell?

ME: *without looking up* with your nose

[ no-look high five from WIFE ]

Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food

What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet

Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*

“What’s wrong with our country?”

OBAMA!

“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”

OBAMA!

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: i get everyone fired

ex professor: what wait no

You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom

Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)

Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?

My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.

Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.

[karate class]

Sensei: break this board with your hands

Me: why can’t I use an axe?

Sensei: because I hate you

There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.

If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.

I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.

Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.

I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.

6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?

My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot

Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?

*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:

I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.

I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.