Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
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2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.