Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
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BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]