Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
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Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.